Note: The text below was originally written to be a chapter in my book Romance: How to Write a Romantic Novel (2022). I cut it from the final book for a couple of reasons. Firstly, that book was running way too long and I needed to cut something to keep it to a size where the print edition wouldn’t be ridiculously expensive. And secondly, I don’t write about polyamory and the nearest I come to reading about it is the Anita Blake urban fantasy series by Laurell K. Hamilton. I don’t like to claim knowledge and experience writing a genre or sub-genre I haven’t read or written. The piece below is offered with the caveat that while it probably contains some useful factual information, there are people out there who know more about it than I do. I’ve included some links at the end.
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If you plan to write romance novels featuring polyamorous relationships, you will already have knowledge and understanding of how such relationships work in real life. In this chapter, I will introduce some of the concepts relating to polyamory for those who are less familiar and then move on to discuss how these things influence the plot of a romance novel.
Consensual Non-Monogamy
Consensual non-monogamy refers to having romantic and/or sexual relationships with more than one person at a time, where all the partners are aware of and give consent to the arrangement. This differs from infidelity (or cuckolding) where one partner has a relationship that the other is not aware of, and from polygamy, which is a formal marriage between more than two people.
Forms of consensual non-monogamy include polyamory, swinging, open relationships, and sexual gameplay where cuckolding is simulated. An open relationship (or sometimes an open marriage) is an intimate relationship that is sexually non-monogamous – where both partners agree to be ‘non-exclusive’ so they can engage in romantic and/or sexual relationships with other people. In some relationships, only one partner is non-monogamous. Swinging, sometimes referred to as wife-swapping or partner-swapping, involves the sharing of partners primarily for sexual activity.
Polyfidelity is a term that predates polyamory. Polyfidelity refers to the practice of multiple ongoing sexual relationships occurring within a specific group or community. It has also been referred to as ‘complex marriage’ or ‘group marriage.’ In her book Lesbian Polyfidelity (1996), Celeste West uses the term to mean something closer to what is now called polyamory.
While all forms of sexual non-monogamy are explored in erotica, in the romance genre – where the emphasis is on the romantic or emotional side of relationships – it is mainly polyamorous relationships that are featured. If you search on Goggle or Goodreads for ‘polyamorous romance’ you will find that there are many such books.
Although non-monogamous relationships have existed throughout history, recognition and discussion of them was limited until after the ‘sexual revolution’ of the 1960s. Polyamory as a defined philosophy came to attention in the early 1990s.
The prevalence of polyamory in western society is not known. Existing studies have tended to ask questions about non-monogamy generally or to ask questions about sexual behaviour rather than long-term romantic relationships. Estimates range from 4% to 10% of the population of the USA being involved in a non-monogamous relationship. That’s somewhere between 13 and 33 million people. I don’t know what percentage of those might read romance novels, but even if it’s only 1% that is still a substantial audience.
It has been suggested that non-monogamous relationships or more common among homosexuals than heterosexuals. Journalist and campaigner Julie Bindell has said that modern non-monogamy was introduced by radical feminists in the 1970s “…to challenge patriarchal heterosexuality.” Given that same-sex relationships had no legal recognition or protection until relatively recently, it is perhaps not surprising that ‘alternative’ forms of relationship were more easily accepted by homosexuals.
Polyamory
Joy Davidson has defined polyamory as “…the practice of having loving, intimate relationships with more than one person at a time, within an ethical, consensual, agreement-based context.” Writing in the Journal of Applied Philosophy, Luke Brunning noted that polyamory differs from most other forms of consensual non-monogamy in that it emphasises emotional intimacy with others rather than purely sexual relations.
Values
Fidelity & Loyalty – In monogamous relationships, fidelity means being faithful to a single person – being emotionally and sexually exclusive. In a polyamorous relationship, it means being faithful to two or more people. This requires individuals to be honest and open about what is going on in their relationships with others and remaining true to any commitments made to their partners. There is also a requirement to be present – to support and care for their partners. Fidelity within a polyamorous relationship is also referred to as polyfidelity.
Trust, Honesty, Dignity and Respect – Where more than two people are included in a relationship, it is important that all partners are treated with dignity and mutual respect. Each person must care for their partner’s partners, even if they do not love them. It isn’t enough to just tolerate them. And there should certainly be no attempt to undermine a partner’s relationship with another partner. A relationship where one partner feels they must keep secrets from another, or where one person feels they cannot express themselves fully, is unlikely to work out in the long term. It is necessary that all partners can trust and be trusted.
Communication & Negotiation – Society does not provide models and guidelines for polyamorous relationships, it focuses on the monogamous model. This means that polyamorists need to define their own ‘rules,’ seeking advice and support from others in polyamorous relationships. In any ‘non-standard’ relationship, it is necessary for all parties to understand and agree the ground rules. If individuals have different ideas about what behaviours are acceptable, there will be problems. Negotiations about the rules will probably be ongoing during the course of the relationship as new situations are encountered.
Pragmatism – Although partners in a relationship may share values and agree a set of guidelines for conducting their lives, people are only human and mistakes will be made. When this happens, open communication between all parties is the key.
Possessiveness & Jealousy
In monogamous relationships, as we have seen, there are often issues relating to an imbalance of power – ownership or control of the other person. This is often the case between men and women in patriarchal societies. Controls are put in place via marriage contracts and societal rules that mean one person ‘belongs’ to or with another.
In polyamorous relationships, this exclusiveness and possessiveness does not – or should not – exist. Such relationships are based more on trust and respect for others. In an ideal polyamorous relationship, a person does not regard their partner’s partner as a rival or threat. They see that person as something positive in their partner’s life rather than as something negative in their own. Not everyone has the self-confidence to accept such an arrangement. The term compersion was coined to identify the empathic feeling of happiness that someone feels when someone close to them experiences joy in a relationship – it applies in polyamorous relationships but can also be used to describe the happiness a parent feels when their child gets married. In essence, compersion means the opposite of jealousy. This is an ideal and Joy Davidson points out that it is wrong to assume that jealousy does not exist in polyamorous relationships. There is a danger that people new to such relationships will feel that they are failing or are unworthy if they feel a twinge of jealousy (or envy).
Jealousy arises out of a need to protect something we have – we ‘guard it jealously.’ Envy occurs when we covet what someone else has and we do not. There is a danger that both can arise in a polyamorous relationship – a person may fear losing the relationship they have and they may feel that their partner is spending more time or giving more love to another person.
As with open relationships, there can be an element of one-sidedness in some polyamorous relationships, with one partner having multiple relationships and the other only a single one. Obviously, both partners need to be comfortable with such an arrangement.
The Nature of Polyamorous Relationships
Primary & Secondary Relationships
A primary relationship is the closest type of relationship. It is where the most time and energy is spent. There are high levels of attraction, intimacy, and commitment. Like the monogamous relationships we have explored previously, it requires shared values, goals, and often a wish to form a lifelong bond. A primary partner is someone with whom a person shares the most in terms of romance and everyday life. People in a primary relationship often live together and share finances.
A secondary relationship is a close romantic and/or sexual relationship but one where contact does not necessarily occur on a daily basis. Partners in such a relationship often do not live together and share fewer ongoing commitments. They tend not to share finances. But there may still be a desire for the relationship to be a long-term one. A secondary partner is someone who is in a close or intimate relationship, but not to the same degree as a primary partner.
Joy Davidson writes that a couple in a primary relationship may agree to pursue additional relationships individually, their new lovers becoming secondary partners. She also uses the term ‘tertiary partners’ to refer to ‘occasional lovers.’
Triads, Quads & More
A triad is any relationship involving three people, usually involving a significant degree of commitment. This distinguishes it from a one-off or occasional threesome, which is usually formed for sexual purposes, or a ménage à trois which is usually defined as a committed heterosexual couple living together with one other romantic or sexual partner – literally a ‘household of three.’ In polyamorous relationships, the term throuple or thruple is sometimes used as a replacement for ‘couple.’
Triads are often formed when two primary partners welcome a third person into their relationship.
There are two forms of triad – a ‘triangle’ in which all three people are involved romantically and sexually with each other on more or less equal terms. And a ‘V’ in which one person is in a relationship with two others, but those two are not in a relationship with each other. The person connected to both is referred to as a ‘hinge’ or ‘pivot.’
A metamour is the partner of a person’s partner where the person is not in a romantic or sexual relationship with them.
A quad is a relationship between four people. There may be an equal romantic and sexual relationship between all four partners but there are several variations. These are sometimes described in terms of the letters N, Z and a sort of square-bottomed U. Other variations require more complex diagrams:
A quad can consist of two primary relationships with a link between one partner from each in a secondary relationship. Or it can consist of two ‘overlapping’ triads.
In polyamorous relationships containing more than four partners, the webs or networks of potential relationships become even more complex.
When it comes to writing romances, I would suggest that you stick to primary relationships (or primaries plus one or two secondaries) and to either a triad or a quad – beyond that you’re writing something more like an ensemble story rather than a romance.
Benefits of Polyamorous Relationships
In an article in the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality Joy Davidson, highlighted some of the benefits of the polyamorous lifestyle. Many are common to other types of lifestyles and relationships.
Living openly in a way that suits your personality – being your authentic self – is personally rewarding and ethical. It removes the need for deception or withholding, which in turn can lead to deeper, more meaningful relationships.
Polyamorous relationships can be empowering, with women in particular feeling they can take responsibility for their own lives, bodies, and sexuality. Such relationships can be more egalitarian and challenge what many see as patriarchal and heteronormative oppression.
Having a relationship with more than one person allows for a greater degree of sexual exploration – an individual can experience activities which a primary partner might not want to engage in. And it means that a person can create or remain in a ‘companionate’ relationship without the pressure of seeking to have their sexual needs met – those needs can be met by another primary or a secondary partner.
Multiple partners also provide a greater opportunity for someone to have their emotional, intellectual, and sexual needs met, where a single partner might not be able to meet all of these needs. And, conversely, it removes the pressure for them to feel that they must meet all of their primary partner’s needs.
Polyamorous relationships can provide a sense of belonging to an extended family – a family you choose. They also present opportunities for personal growth through close association with diverse individuals. And there is a need and a forum for developing communication and negotiation skills.
Where three or more people are cohabiting, there can be a sharing of household responsibilities, including child rearing and finances.
Difficulties in Polyamorous Relationships
Joy Davidson also points out some of the important challenges that people in polyamorous relationships face.
Society, including employers, may be less aware or less accepting of polyamorous relationships. Rights and benefits accorded to someone with a wife or life partner may not be provided so readily where a person has multiple partners. This extends to a lack of legal protection in terms of property, inheritance, parenting and child custody. There may also be problems when someone tries to persuade their parents or other biological and familial relatives to acknowledge and accept this lifestyle. And there may be problems when it comes to explaining this type of family to a child – either when a child is brought into such a relationship or when they are born into it and come to learn that other families are different.
There has been a welcome increase in the number of books for children in non-heterosexual families and there will probably be a market for children’s books that help explain polyamorous relationships. If you write such a book, be prepared for the fact that some sections of the community will seek to have it banned or burned, and for the social media trolls who will come after you with metaphorical torches and pitchforks.
Within relationships, there are also a number of challenges. When a partner in a primary relationship brings up the possibility of non-monogamy for the first time, their partner is likely to experience some confusion and feelings of anger or regret. Even if the possibility of a more open relationship has been openly discussed, an individual is likely to feel challenged and to think that they have failed to meet their partner’s needs. Why else are they looking elsewhere? Many of these feelings will be comparable to someone who has discovered that their partner has been having an affair or thinking about having an affair. The feelings of betrayal might not be on the same scale, but it is possible that the initial emotional response will be similar.
Once the subject has been broached, there is a need to decide how to move forward. Both partners need to explore the different forms that polyamory can take and try to discover which may be most suitable for them.
Building a new form of relationship isn’t as simple as opening a box of flatpack furniture from Ikea and assembling all the pieces. It is a long process of exploration, discovery, experimentation, and re-evaluation. Mistakes will be made and there is bound to be disagreement and pain.
Out of this learning process must come the development of boundaries – each individual being aware of and communicating their own boundaries and respecting those of others. As mentioned elsewhere in this chapter, communication, honesty, and negotiation are essential if a polyamorous relationship – or any relationship – is going to work. And it is important that consent is explicitly sought and given to avoid misunderstandings. As a general rule of thumb, if someone in a polyamorous relationship feels a need to keep something secret from their partner – relating to something they want or something they don’t want – there is an issue which must be addressed.
Davidson writes that adhering to a ‘no surprises’ policy is essential. Partners must think ahead and plan ahead so that no one is caught off-guard by something coming out of the blue. Different people respond to changes in a relationship or to the forming of new relationships at different speeds – it’s important to make sure that no one feels left behind or ignored. And care must be taken to ensure that necessary steps aren’t skipped.
Where a new person is to be introduced, does a primary partner have the right to veto the person selected?
Luke Brunning points out that where partners are careful to remain loyal to the relationship and to the principles and values of polyamory, there is a risk that the needs of the individual may be overlooked.
There are practical issues in being in a relationship or relationships with more than one person. Time and attention must be divided between them. Where responsibilities are shared, there needs to be agreement about who does what and when. There are also issues of personal space – for example, is it okay for one primary partner to have sex with a secondary partner in the bed shared by the primary partners? And there is consideration of personal and shared belongings. Is it okay for a metamour to use a primary partner’s belongings or wear their clothes or use their towels?
Consideration must also be given to whether a new partner in a relationship will be introduced to family and friends. And if they are, how will this be done? How will this person’s status or relationship be described?
In a relationship such as a ‘V’, how much contact do the two non-intimate partners want to have? How well do they want to know them? How much detail will be shared about emotional and sexual contact? Full disclosure, transparency, or some degree of blissful ignorance?
When it comes to sex, what sort of activities are permissible – fooling around, penetrative sex, BDSM? When and where are these okay? There must also be agreement on risks to sexual health and contraception.
The rules and boundaries necessary for a polyamorous relationship mean effort and energy have to be expended to respect and negotiate them. Also, there is the issue of what to do if one partner steps outside of those guidelines – how is reconciliation achieved?
Where multiple partners do not cohabit, what happens if one person ‘hides’ at one partner’s home to avoid dealing with relationship issues or other challenges at home?
The more partners in a relationship, the greater the number and complexity of the issues that need to be discussed.
Where there is a primary relationship and a secondary one, all parties must be clear about where they stand in this ‘hierarchy.’ If a secondary partner is not aware of their status, they may invest in the relationship as if it were primary and expect the benefits of a primary partnership. Conversely, if two or more partners are agreed to be of equal status, they should be treated as such and their expectations of parity respected.
Relationships can change over time – and this can be a good thing. A secondary relationship may become a primary one. A primary relationship may become a secondary one. People in an open relationship may decide to become more exclusive, forming a quad or a triad. Where this happens, it is important that all partners are aware of it and consent to it. Letting a partnership slide from primary to secondary or vice versa without considering the implications for all concerned is a recipe for disaster.
Individuals can change too. Health and family circumstances may change. Work life can change. Personal ambitions, interests, and desires can change. External events – accidents, disasters, and other traumatic incidents can occur. All of these can have an impact on a relationship – and in a polyamorous relationship, the changes impact more than a single partner. There is a need to communicate and enquire about such changes, and to discuss their implications. Do they require support from within the relationship? Do they mean changes must be made in the relationship? Or do they require that the whole relationship or parts of it be dissolved? Not everyone in a relationship may be able or willing to deal with such changes. Everyone needs to be aware of any positive or negative emotions generated – both in themselves and in others. Again, communication and mutual respect are key.
Absence of change can also be a problem. A relationship has to be flexible to allow the individuals in it to grow as people. If someone – or more than one person – in a relationship is rigidly maintaining its original form, this becomes unhealthy and may eventually become abusive. Seeking to control others is against the values of polyamorous relationships. A healthy relationship is dynamic, not static. Negotiation is an ongoing process.
People in monogamous relationships can turn to couples therapy to help them deal with challenges they face – this kind of support is harder to find for polyamorous relationships. There are therapists who have experience in this area, but some therapists have argued that polyamory does not lead to healthy long-term relationships.
Other Things to Consider
When considering a polyamorous relationship, there are some things that every individual has to ask themselves. Are they seeking a serious, long-term relationship (a primary relationship) or something more casual (a secondary or tertiary relationship)? What limits would they want to place on the relationship? Do they want to have sex with one person but be romantically involved with more than one person? Or vice versa? Are they comfortable with their primary partner having romantic and/or sexual relations with others, even if they themselves do not? What previous experience of polyamory do they have? What ‘shape’ of partnership and how many partners would they like to be involved with? Do they want to join an existing relationship as a new partner or would they prefer to begin a relationship of their own? If they currently have a partner, what does this person know about polyamory and how will they respond to it being proposed?
Also remember that not all partners in a relationship need be white and middle class. And they don’t necessarily have more sex than people in monogamous relationships. Indeed, it is possible for a polyamorous relationship to include no sex – ‘amour’ refers to love, not just sex. This includes ‘queerplatonic’ relationships. Some people are asexual but that doesn’t mean there is no place for romance in their lives.
Some polyamorists may be in long-distance relationships with one or more partners.
Writing Polyamorous & Non-Monogamous Romance
In writing this time of romance, you have the freedom to write about male-female, female-female, and/or male-male interactions within the same relationship. And these interactions could be romantic-emotional, sexual, or both. Or all of the partners in a polyamorous relationship might be heterosexual.
As mentioned above, there is likely to be less resistance to non-monogamous relationships among homosexuals, whose relationships have always been considered to be outside societal norms. Polyamory may also be more easily integrated into science fiction or fantasy novels, where new societies can be created without the necessity of referring to our society’s traditions.
In writing a romance with more than two partners, it is especially important to pay attention to the personalities of the characters. The reader needs to be able to tell them apart. And there needs to be scope for the characters to present different challenges and learning experiences for each other. Ideally, you will also create unique voices for each character so it’s easy to tell who is speaking. In dialogue in a heterosexual monogamous romance, you can skip between ‘she said’ and ‘he said’ and no one notices. Add a third person to any conversation and things always become trickier, even if you plump for ‘they said’ for this person. You have similar problems in homosexual romances where you have two hes, two shes, or two theys. Or more than two. To a certain degree, using a first-person point of view can help you because one character becomes an ‘I said.’
You will need to decide whether you want to write about two primary partners plus a secondary, or three primaries, or more than three partners. And you will need to decide whether to have multiple points of view or a single one. You also have a choice of whether your main point of view character is a primary partner or a secondary partner.
Plots for Polyamorous Novels
Polyamorous relationships can feature in any of the types of plot and sub-genres we have explored in this book. It goes without saying that adjustments would need to be made to accommodate more than two partners.
In part two of her blog post on ‘Writing Polyamorous Relationships,’ Rose Fox (aka Story Nurse) includes an important point about making it clear to the reader that when a character is attracted to someone new, they are not cheating on an existing partner. It should be clear from their attitude and their actions that they are not ‘sneaking around’ or doing something they feel guilty about. In sharing the thoughts of a viewpoint character, you can make it clear that someone is openly considering their long-term partner’s feelings and attitudes – would they be attracted to this new person? Would they encourage the viewpoint character to pursue a relationship? They would also not conceal the fact that they are already in a relationship when talking to the new person they are attracted to.
Revelation of a polyamorous status will often be handled in a similar way to someone revealing they are homosexual or bisexual. They will handle it with caution. They will drop hints or use terminology to see whether the other person is sympatico.
In terms of plot, it could be that a polyamorous romance novel features a variation of the love triangle plot, but one where the main character chooses A and B, rather than A or B. Or, if you’re feeling brave, the story might feature multiple triangles.
In some stories, the main character will be discovering her (or his) polyamorous nature, in a similar way to a teenager first discovering their sexuality in a young adult romance or a twenty-something or thirty-something discovering their bisexuality or homosexuality at a later point in their life. This character will be on a journey of discovery, allowing you to introduce the reader to the world of polyamorous relationships.
Other stories will feature a character with considerable experience in a polyamorous relationship. We will meet them at a point of change in their lives. Perhaps they have left a relationship and are newly single and deciding what to do next. Or perhaps someone has left their relationship – by choice or due to something more traumatic – leaving the main character and the other partner(s) to deal with this change.
Or a character may be in a long-term monogamous relationship and find themselves coming to terms with it opening up to become polyamorous – at their instigation or that of their partner.
Or a character in a long-term monogamous relationship might discover their partner is cheating – and, once the feelings of betrayal are dealt with, they may come to accept this third person and bond with them, either as a metamour or romantically and/or sexually. Or perhaps it is the main character who has been cheating.
There is also scope for a second chance romance. Two partners may have separated because they had different needs romantically or sexually. Where they couldn’t meet each other’s needs in a monogamous relationship, they may find happiness in a polyamorous relationship where another person fulfils previously unmet needs.
Reverse Harem Fiction
Traditionally, a harem is a group of women who ‘belong’ to a wealthy and powerful man – a sultan or a sheik. His exclusive access to these women is ensured by having the men who guard them all be eunuchs. In a reverse harem, a female character has a group of three or more men who she keeps around mostly for sex. She is the centre of attention during lovemaking scenes with one, two, or more of her harem. Obviously, the word ‘harem’ promises sex and there is the potential for a number of encounters featuring the heroine and various subsets of her collection of men. We’re almost certainly talking about erotic romance or erotica here – I don’t think you can really promise a reader a harem and then not have at least some spicy scenes.
A harem could contain as many men as you like, though you’d need to come up with a way of distinguishing one from another. And I think there’s a limit of, say, four people involved in any one encounter – beyond that and it’s difficult for a reader and a writer to keep track. Another alternative is to use the harem as the basis for a series of short stories, novellas, or novels, where one subset of characters – including the heroine – is the focus for each story. Laurell K. Hamilton does something similar to this in her Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter urban fantasy series from about book ten onwards.
Sources & Resources
Bindel, Julie – ‘Rebranding Polyamory Does Women No Favours.’ The Guardian, 27th December 2020
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/aug/26/polyamory-no-favours-for-women
Brunning, Luke – ‘The Distinctiveness of Polyamory.’ Journal of Applied Philosophy, 35(3), 2016
https://ora.ox.ac.uk/objects/uuid:355c60d9-818c-454c-8ed2-7320ccf540f9
Cook, Elaine (aka Cascade Spring Cook) – Commitment in Polyamorous Relationships (Master’s Thesis. Master of Arts in Liberal Studies (Psychology), Regis University in Denver), 2005
http://aphroweb.net/papers/thesis/index.htm
Davidson, Joy – ‘Working with Polyamorous Clients in the Clinical Setting.’ Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, vol.5, April 2002
https://web.archive.org/web/20200919075803/http://www.ejhs.org/volume5/polyoutline.html
Fox, Rose (aka Story Nurse) – ‘Writing Polyamorous Relationships.’ Story Hospital [blog]
Fox, Rose (aka Story Nurse) – ‘Writing Polyamorous Relationships, Part Two.’ Story Hospital [blog]
Kyo – ‘How to Write Characters in Realistic Polyamorous Relationships.’ Simply Original Characters [blog]
Multiamory [website] – Poly Glossary
https://www.multiamory.com/poly-glossary
Ridley, Ian (aka Teaandvodka) – ‘Queerplatonic Relationship.’ Aromantic Fandom [website]
https://aromantic.fandom.com/wiki/Queerplatonic_Relationship
Silver, Evelyn – ‘Writing Polyamorous Characters in Romance.’ Evelyn Silver [blog]
Wikipedia – ‘Polyamory’
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory
Wikipedia – ‘Values within Polyamory’
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Values_within_polyamory
Other Resources:
alt.polyamory [Usenet newsgroup] – www.polyamory.org
More Than Two – www.morethantwo.com
Anapol, Debora – Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits: Secrets of Sustainable Intimate Relationships. Intinet Resource Center, 1997
Fern, Jessica – Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy. Thorntree Press, 2020
Jenkins, Carrie – What Love Is: And What It Could Be. Basic Books, 2017
Labriola, Kathy – The Polyamory Breakup Book: Causes, Prevention, and Survival. Thorntree Press, 2019
Munson, Marcia (ed.) & Judith P. Stelboum (ed.) – The Lesbian Polyamory Reader: Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Casual Sex. Routledge, 1999
PAUL TOMLINSON 